Yesterday, when the teacher helped me in Marichyasana D, my right ankle said CLACK. It was not an average, ordinary, daily little clack. I think the birds outside the shala heard my ankle make this loud noise. It scared me and for a moment the teacher and I stared at each other.
'That was your ankle?' she asked.
I nodded, and held my hand over my mouth.
'What was that?' I asked.
'Your ankle clacked. It happens. It sometimes happens to me.'
Carefully I grabbed my foot. My ankle seemed fine, although I had felt something shift in my joint and I felt emotional.
'Is it bad?'
'No,' she said. 'But it can be painful for a few days. Listen to your body and breathe. When it hurts, stop.'
All day I thought about my ankle. It did not hurt. But this morning, when I got to Ardha Baddha Padmottanasana I felt I could not bend my ankle.
When I started doing Marichyasana A I asked the teacher if I could skip B en D.
'No, don't skip them,' she said. 'But do what you can. So not the full posture. Breathe. Stop when it hurts.'
I couldn't bend my right ankle so all I did way lay my foot somewhere up my left leg and breathed five times. The other side was fine.
I was a bit down. I wondered if I was doing the right thing. If this was for me. Why I don't feel changes. Why I still cannot do Ardha Baddha Padmottansana and Ardha Baddha Padma Paschimottanasana on my right side. Why do I still have a big old ass and why don't I feel enlightened all the time.
But then my critical voice was silenced by my other voice that said: Ha! No changes? This is 2017. In 2013 you were still smoking. And drinking a lot. Having a much bigger old butt than you have now. Didn't know what to do with yourself. Felt tense and anxious about the future. Felt insecure almost all day. Woke up scared in the middle of the night. Felt sick the day after a party. Spent too much time with people who didn't deserve your time and energy. You take so much better care of yourself now. Finally you know how to put yourself first.
All is good. It is Friday, the weekend has begun and I can have a veggi pizza!