I have long hair. A few years ago, somebody mentioned that I touch my hair a lot. It is true. I touch it, I stroke it, I draw it back behind my ears, I redo my ponytail. When that somebody mentioned that, another person said: 'Yes, but I understand that because she has beautiful hair.' Of course, I smiled. Then the first person said: 'I think she does it because she is nervous. It is a tic of her.'
Au ch. He got a point. And since that time, I try to be conscious about touching my hair and why I do this. It is not easy since I tend to do it a lot. But I noticed: I do it when I feel uncomfortable. When I think someone is looking at me, when I have to speak but I feel shy, why I don't know what to say, when I am writing on my laptop but don't know what to write or how to write it.
It also happens during yoga class. When I enter the shala in the morning, I lay down my mat and start to fumble and fidgeting. My hair, my clothes, my face. As if I am scared to start the practice. As if I don't know if I am ready to do the practice. I think I feel a bit nervous, still. Being at the shala, first thing in the morning, being surrounded by all these advanced practitioners, being there with my insecure feelings about whether I am not too old to be here, whether I will ever be able to practice the complete Primary Series, etc.
Luckily, I always get my self together and start my practice. But then I fidget and fumble during practice, in between asanas. Maybe because I am afraid of doing Ardha Baddha Padmottanasana or that I don't think I can do Urdhva Dhanurasana. Since noticing this, I talk to myself. I ask myself what it is I am feeling uncomfortable with. Do I feel lost, do I feel shy because the teacher is looking at me, am I nervous about the next posture, am I thinking I cannot do it, or am I feeling insecure. This morning I forgot to do Utthita Parsvakonasana and Parivrtta Parsvakonasana. I only realized this when I was doing Utkatasana. My mind began to race:
'!! I forgot two poses!'
'Did the teacher noticed it?'
'Do I have to go back?'
I calmed myself - after doing some fidgeting - and said everything is okay and don't worry about it and pay more attention now and do the poses tomorrow, and I went going.