I said it out loud. My former colleague listened to it and so did probably the entire universe. The question she asked was:
'How is your job?'
'Mwoah. It is okay.'
Some time ago, I would have said: 'Great! Good! We work hard but at the same time we have fun. I am so thankful for this job. It drives me, it makes me feel useful, I feel satisfied at the end of the day. I would pay to do this work.'
That was no longer the case. What happened? The work did not change. I did.
Ashtanga peeled a layer off of me. A mask. A lie, maybe. I had become someone I did not wanted to be. As a kid I never dreamed of working as a paralegal. It felt more and more painful to go to the office and to pretend that I cared about what I did during the day. That I looked the way I wanted to look. That I was just as eager as the rest of us to make lots of money and to spend it on the same useless and overpriced stuff.
All day I am surrounded by files and cases which scream the words Mortgage, Stocks, Real Estate, Private Company, etc. It had occurred to me that I was working a corporate job. A Corporate Job. Me! When did this happen? But I did it already for years and years.
I copied a line from someones blog. It said:
I quit my corporate job to serve tables and teach yoga
I read this line and I understood it so very much and it got me jealous. Jealousy is a good indicator to realize what you want in your life. If you feel really envious about someone, ask yourself why this is. In my case it is because that other person is doing, having, or wearing something that I would want for myself. I am not jealous of high powered women who wear business suits, drive a large BMW and work 60 hours a week in a corporate job, even though they are making lots of money. They have the stress and responsibilities I have had, and I would not want them anymore. In my life those things are not important.
I felt I was going in the same direction: to quite my corporate job to clean hotel rooms. I wanted an honest job. I believed I could do it, that Ashtanga had made my life as simple as possible. Ashtanga makes me feel satisfied and happy and comfortable in my own skin. I don't need expensive things (anymore). I don't want to work to be able to afford a car or a big house. My needs are pretty basic now. As long as I have my practice, my house, food on the table, money to pay the bills, I will be fine. I believe in myself. I believe I can live a happy life the way I want to live it, even if I am surrounded by people who are living large.
I believe in myself and I am willing to change my life.
Just as I really started to feel this way, I got an important email.