We went for a walk. Or maybe I should say a hike, since it took place in nature and we came across some real off road tracks. It was only six km, but it took us three hours, due to the fact that it was slippery and we wanted to takes pictures of natures beauties. Sometimes when I was shambling over wet rocks, I felt a bit scared, and then I thought about what I've read about Guruji saying: 'Fear? What is fear?'
Indeed, what is fear?
In my opinion, fear is not being in the moment. Fear is about thinking ahead, about thinking into the future, about things that could happen.
'Maybe the next step I'll take I will slip on these rocks and I will fall and break my knee and how can an ambulance ever come in this forest?'
'What if a bear comes out and I haven't learned what to do when a bear approaches you' 'What if we got lost in this forest, do I have to eat my BF or will he eat me first?'
In the now everything is fine. I am not falling, I am not seeing a bear, I am not lost.
The moment I realized I felt fear, I noticed I wasn't in the moment, I tried to pay attention to my breath and the moment, and I just kept going.
But there was this other fear. Ashtanga fear. Since I am on a holiday for a week, I cannot go to the shala for my morning Mysore Class. The last time I practiced there was on Friday. A few hours later, we left for Belgium. Saturday was a rest day, Sunday I did a practice 'at home' (I brought my mat and we've rented an apartment which has room for my mat), Monday and Tuesday I didn't practice. I wanted to see if I could do it. To not practice. To set my mind on other things: on Belgium nature, on walking, on reading (I brought six books) and spending time with my BF. Of course I am able to not practice. But it causes some tension. In my mind I am worried if I will be able to do Mari D again. I am worried I will gain weight and loose muscles. Writing this down, I know it is absurd. Ashtanga has me in its grip. I have to let go somewhat. If I don't practice for a week, nothing bad will happen.
Today is a Moon Day. I still think a lot about the practice, about not doing it, about the impact the practice has on my life. I know and feel that I am looking forward returning to the shala. This will be next Friday, as we are heading home tomorrow.