Suddenly I saw it clearly.
I remembered flying on an airplane. I went to Ibiza with a couple of friends. The first flight was easy, I felt relaxed and at ease. The flight back was the opposite: I felt anxious and tense, my hands were wet, I felt dizzy and nauseous and I could not wait the flight to be over.
On the first flight, we only were with maybe thirty people. We almost had the airplane for ourselves. We chatted with the flight assistants who were fun and flirty. It made me feel free and relaxed. On the flight back, every seat was taken. There were people everywhere. This made me tense and anxious.
So I now realised: I am not afraid of flying. I am not afraid to step on board of an airplane. It is the people, the crowd around me that makes me uncomfortable. It also occurred to me that when I go to a theatre, a cinema, even if I go to a yoga class, I tend to sit near the exit, or at least at the end of a row, so there is only one person beside me. The feeling the I can't leave easily without bothering too many people upsets me.
What does this say?
Why do I fear people?
What is it I am scared of?
I think it is a combination of a lot of fears: the fear of being judged, fear of failing, fear of not being cool, fear of being shy, fear of feeling insecure, fear of not wanting to attract attention.
I am going to look at my fears a little bit closer. Luckily I came across these sentences. I think they will help:
The paradox is found in understanding that we kill fear by embracing it.
Courage is being scared and acting anyway.
Ask yourself why you do everything you do.
And a very big one, something to remember in the future:
We must get through the pain. I think, if we can, we might be the the ones who contribute to consciousness.