This morning, Mari D again was possible. On one side, I could bind myself.
'Muy Bien, muy bien,' said the teacher and she smiled. 'You don't need me anymore.'
'Oh, yes,' I answered. 'Please help me on the other side. It's my dark side.'
I felt relieved. I thought: If Mari D is possible, anything is possible. When I started my practice this morning, I felt like sh*t. Yesterday I met with E. for lunch. E. used to be my yoga teacher, now he is my yoga friend as we practice in the same Mysore Class every morning.
E. has been to Mysore. He started telling about it. It sounded like heaven, Ashtanga heaven. I talked a bit about myself and my past. At one point he said: 'You are a real ashtangi.' I felt proud but I also thought: Is that a good thing? We had been talking about drugs, alcohol, sex and addictions. I asked if I wasn't just replacing one addiction with another. The other addiction being Ashtanga.
E. told me that he is fantasizing about going again to Mysore. That he's secretly been saving money for it. He wants to go in October of 2019. I immediately said: 'If you are going, then I am going too.' The rest of the day I spent thinking about my job, how to save as much money as possible, about going to India, for three months.
The idea of going to India in 2019 for three months is very exciting, but I immediately started worrying. That I need money. That I want to quit my job so I can go for three months. That if I return after three months, I will need a new job. Worries, worries, worries. It made me sad. It made me sad because I realized I am absolutely and totally insecure about myself. I don't trust myself. I don't trust the universe. All this I realized when I was practicing. I wanted to cry because it was so clear to me how I think about myself. If my friend was telling me his sorrows, I would say that he didn't needed to worry, because he has brains, he knows people, he has family and friends, he never once was without a job. I couldn't understand why I could not say these things to myself. It was an eyeopener. I have to build my self esteem. I have to trust myself. Then I got to Mari D. And I thought: If Mari D. is possible, anything is possible.
I took this picture in Miami, Florida