You want to break old patterns? Good for you. But it's a hard job. Because you have to do it yourself.
The first step is recognizing you have a pattern. It is there for years and years. It may have never bothered you, or no, that is not true, it has bothered you, but you've managed to ignore it. Or to make excuses about it. Or to think it is normal, because everybody does something similar. Suddenly, you are realizing what you are doing. And you start wondering why (WHY?) you are doing what you are doing.
That is my version.
This morning, during Ashtanga Led Class, I realized my pattern of trying to please the teacher. And in my case, the word teacher can be replaced by the words boss, colleague, dad, brother, friend, fellow yogi, or even by 'the person next to me sitting in the library'. I am constantly trying to please the other person. WHY? When did this pattern begin? And how can I stop doing this? First things first. And that is: thinking about it and writing about it.
The Led Class I had this morning, was taught by my teacher Nick. This was the first time having him as a teacher in a Led Class. Before, he had an injury and his wife was teaching. His wife is sweet and gentle and for me, easy to please. During summer, Nick and his wife were on holiday, and I was taught by substitute teacher Veronica. She was a bit more demanding, but still sweet and also easy to be pleased. Now everything is back to normal, meaning: holiday is over and his injury is gone, so Nick will be my main teacher from now on. He is no joke. He is Ashtanga. He is the real deal. I think I am a bit scared of him. He definitely is not easy to please. And because of that, I have to step up my game. Because I want to please him to, no matter what it takes. I want to show him I can do a little Ashtanga. I want to show him I listen to his instructions, I want to show him I trust him, I want to show him I am cool, I want to show him I am dedicated. So I do my best during class. I am sweating as a pig, I am forgetting my breath because I am following where he is at. If he is not around me, I can relax. If he is near me, I feel tense and I am showing off. Knowing this I have to ask myself: Why? Why behave differently when he is standing in front of me? Am I practicing for him or for myself?