So. I turned 40 and I wasn't feeling bubbly. On the contrary. I felt heavy, stressed out and looking back: I wasn't myself. Even though I just got a new job which I enjoyed and I had my first novel published, I didn't feel exited about life. Given the fact that I'd always wanted to have my own book published, I should've felt proud and ecstatic, but I didn't. I felt tired, and maybe a bit depressed.
I took a three week vacation and all I did was fantasize about being 67 so I could stop working. I counted the weeks before my retirement. If I saw my book in a store, I felt embarrassed. This was not going well.
Luckily, my boss saw my stress and acknowledged her own. We had to get help. She hired an assistant, for her and for me. The first few weeks it got worse, because I had to instruct this assistant and learn her a a lot of things. But I really liked her, we got along really well and she made my work a bit more lighter. This was step one.
Step two: I returned to do yoga. But not Ashtanga. I wanted to relax, unwind, take care of my tired body. So I took Vinyasa, Yin, Jivamukti and Restorative. In a week, I would go to three different yoga studios. It felt good and I started to heal myself. Then one studio started to offer Ashtanga yoga. I thought: maybe I should give it another try. And I did. I took a lesson, a led class half primary, on a Saturday morning. It felt good, sweating and flowing and breathing.
Now my body and mind were up for it. The next week I went back.
I started going to class it twice a week. Next I was practicing a bit at home, with the help of YouTube videos. I got really excited about the practice. My teacher told the class that he was going to go to India, to Mysore. This was the first time I heard about Mysore. I started reading about it. When this teacher returned from India, he told me that he practiced Mysore at 6 AM in the morning in a studio near my house, three times a week. I felt I wanted to do that too. But I hesitated for months. Thought I could not ever jump out of bed so early. Thought it was only for very advanced students. Worried about not being good enough, worried about getting tired, about not being able to maintain a normal life, about how to combine a practice with my job.
One day I set aside my worries, hesitations and doubts. I went to my first Mysore Class at 6 AM. This was three months ago. This morning I could bind in Marichyasana D.
The picture says: It is difficult to make a choice. But sometimes you just have to do it.